#11: Atonement
Do not project own emotions/mental state into others' stories without consulting them first.
Check.
Do not try to amuse others with crackpot theories and gross generalities about geographic locations and the ethnic/religious groups who live there.
Check, check.
Stick to telling embarrassing stories about self.
Check.
Sorry all. Megs isn't really mad at me, if you were concerned (and I know you were all on the edge of your seat). She and I learned some very important lessons from Column #10, which she listed best:
1.) Lutherans are great
2.) Scandanavians are a gentle people
3.) Employment is better than unemployment (overall--there are many exceptions to this, I'm sure. "She Works Hard for the Money" audio in the background here)
4.) Going apeshit is cathartic, but make sure security isn't present
5.) Hair nets must be really itchy
6.) Dickwad is a funny word
So everything is okay. Except that I think I'm being punished for making fun of Minnesotans.
A remarkable number of things went wrong last weekend. More Column fodder, lucky you. Having to deal with the things going wrong, unlucky me.
It's just a weird coincidence, that's all I'm sayin'.
Last Friday I couldn't do anything right at the office. It seems I misread a contract with a hotel for an event that I was in charge of and sent it off with the wrong times approved. The onsite company representative called and very nicely asked that I "make sure it never happens again." I was mortified. I get blamed for a lot of stuff here, but usually it's not my fault. This was. Fabulous way to start my day.
Still shaken from screwing up big time with the hotel, I was called and accosted by another hotel I had dealt with in December. Turns out they hadn't been paid yet. Well, crap. I'm not the accounting department, but seeing as how my name is on that contract, I suppose I'm responsible for payment, too.
Crap, crap, crap.
So I had to track down our accountant (who was conviently away from his desk between the hours of 9am and 2pm) just for him to tell me to put it on the company credit card. Okay. Fine. Could have done that myself five hours ago. Thanks.
I also had to make an unpleasant call to a very unpleasant woman to inform her that we hadn't received her payment. (Again, still not the accounting department.)
"Well, you must have lost it in the mail."
Please tell me how I could have lost it in the mail when you were sending it to me. And don't #^%@ with me. It's been a long day.
"I just don't know what happened. I had it sent out last week."
I understand that, but we still haven't received payment and we'd really like to, because, well, my colleagues and I kind of enjoy being able to buy groceries every week.
"You'll have to call my accounting department and work this out with them, I have no control over it."
But I... [dial tone] ... super.
I also had to deal with normal last minute event set-up issues such as finalizing head counts (which seem to change minute by minute) catering flub-ups and shipment details.
All in all a very unpleasant way to start my weekend. So is it really a big surprise that I didn't make to the gym Friday night?
Guiltily feeling the pounds pack onto my thighs I resolved to wake up at the ungodly Saturday morning hour of 8am and head to a yoga class. Now I haven't done yoga in a while, but I'm pretty damn sure you're supposed to be able to move after you do it. Unfortunately, our yoga instructor graduated from Satan's school of Physical Torture.
Not only did she make us hold such terrible poses as Crocodile and One-legged Chair (sure they sound hokey, but you try holding your contorted body in one place for hours - okay minutes - while relying on one leg or your weak-ass triceps and then come talk to me), but she didn't even bother to stretch us out after class. My bunched up muscles still hurt Monday, albeit less than they did Sunday. I was very aware of each and every teeny tiny muscle in my body on Sunday. I had no idea that I used my inner thighs so many times every day.
So it was with great pain that I wedged myself into the car and out again to go grocery/Target shopping. I love SuperTarget. The perfect combination of groceries and plain old Target goodness, SuperTarget can not be beat. That's why they call it super. AND I managed to hit it on sample day - go me!
So I was gnashing a very tasty apple dipped in chocolate caramel (that's right it was both chocolate AND caramel at the same time. Genius I tell you! Genius!) trying to pick out a bunch of bananas that wasn't totally green when a chunk of apple went down my wind pipe. I didn't choke (thank goodness) but I did do that whole coughing, eyes-watering, can't breathe, I'll-be-okay-in-a-second-I-swear thing.
My roommate, Maverick, was very helpfully standing 10 steps away, laughing. I managed to gag my way through the apple bit. I caught my breath, smoothed my hair and moved on to the bakery section. Nothing to see here, nothing at all. Of course Mav was still laughing. I was tempted to leave her in the store.
Besides going to see the Ice Palace with Sir (one word can describe that experience: cold) that was pretty much my weekend.
So, what do you think Universe? Have I been through enough yet?
|
Check.
Do not try to amuse others with crackpot theories and gross generalities about geographic locations and the ethnic/religious groups who live there.
Check, check.
Stick to telling embarrassing stories about self.
Check.
Sorry all. Megs isn't really mad at me, if you were concerned (and I know you were all on the edge of your seat). She and I learned some very important lessons from Column #10, which she listed best:
1.) Lutherans are great
2.) Scandanavians are a gentle people
3.) Employment is better than unemployment (overall--there are many exceptions to this, I'm sure. "She Works Hard for the Money" audio in the background here)
4.) Going apeshit is cathartic, but make sure security isn't present
5.) Hair nets must be really itchy
6.) Dickwad is a funny word
So everything is okay. Except that I think I'm being punished for making fun of Minnesotans.
A remarkable number of things went wrong last weekend. More Column fodder, lucky you. Having to deal with the things going wrong, unlucky me.
It's just a weird coincidence, that's all I'm sayin'.
Last Friday I couldn't do anything right at the office. It seems I misread a contract with a hotel for an event that I was in charge of and sent it off with the wrong times approved. The onsite company representative called and very nicely asked that I "make sure it never happens again." I was mortified. I get blamed for a lot of stuff here, but usually it's not my fault. This was. Fabulous way to start my day.
Still shaken from screwing up big time with the hotel, I was called and accosted by another hotel I had dealt with in December. Turns out they hadn't been paid yet. Well, crap. I'm not the accounting department, but seeing as how my name is on that contract, I suppose I'm responsible for payment, too.
Crap, crap, crap.
So I had to track down our accountant (who was conviently away from his desk between the hours of 9am and 2pm) just for him to tell me to put it on the company credit card. Okay. Fine. Could have done that myself five hours ago. Thanks.
I also had to make an unpleasant call to a very unpleasant woman to inform her that we hadn't received her payment. (Again, still not the accounting department.)
"Well, you must have lost it in the mail."
Please tell me how I could have lost it in the mail when you were sending it to me. And don't #^%@ with me. It's been a long day.
"I just don't know what happened. I had it sent out last week."
I understand that, but we still haven't received payment and we'd really like to, because, well, my colleagues and I kind of enjoy being able to buy groceries every week.
"You'll have to call my accounting department and work this out with them, I have no control over it."
But I... [dial tone] ... super.
I also had to deal with normal last minute event set-up issues such as finalizing head counts (which seem to change minute by minute) catering flub-ups and shipment details.
All in all a very unpleasant way to start my weekend. So is it really a big surprise that I didn't make to the gym Friday night?
Guiltily feeling the pounds pack onto my thighs I resolved to wake up at the ungodly Saturday morning hour of 8am and head to a yoga class. Now I haven't done yoga in a while, but I'm pretty damn sure you're supposed to be able to move after you do it. Unfortunately, our yoga instructor graduated from Satan's school of Physical Torture.
Not only did she make us hold such terrible poses as Crocodile and One-legged Chair (sure they sound hokey, but you try holding your contorted body in one place for hours - okay minutes - while relying on one leg or your weak-ass triceps and then come talk to me), but she didn't even bother to stretch us out after class. My bunched up muscles still hurt Monday, albeit less than they did Sunday. I was very aware of each and every teeny tiny muscle in my body on Sunday. I had no idea that I used my inner thighs so many times every day.
So it was with great pain that I wedged myself into the car and out again to go grocery/Target shopping. I love SuperTarget. The perfect combination of groceries and plain old Target goodness, SuperTarget can not be beat. That's why they call it super. AND I managed to hit it on sample day - go me!
So I was gnashing a very tasty apple dipped in chocolate caramel (that's right it was both chocolate AND caramel at the same time. Genius I tell you! Genius!) trying to pick out a bunch of bananas that wasn't totally green when a chunk of apple went down my wind pipe. I didn't choke (thank goodness) but I did do that whole coughing, eyes-watering, can't breathe, I'll-be-okay-in-a-second-I-swear thing.
My roommate, Maverick, was very helpfully standing 10 steps away, laughing. I managed to gag my way through the apple bit. I caught my breath, smoothed my hair and moved on to the bakery section. Nothing to see here, nothing at all. Of course Mav was still laughing. I was tempted to leave her in the store.
Besides going to see the Ice Palace with Sir (one word can describe that experience: cold) that was pretty much my weekend.
So, what do you think Universe? Have I been through enough yet?
|
posted by Sun at 8:53 AM
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